life in reel

As for relationships, well... ah the fun begins here. [pure sarcsm] In the last 3 months I've brushed one floppy to the next, and I really require something more substancial than "would you like fries with that" I've never enjoyed hamburger, I am not about to get a taste for it now.

I understand that everyone everywhere has some period where they are unsatisfied with their life. I am in one now, so I think I should step out of it for a moment.


"You always have what you want, that's why you have it and then we live our life about it -- that is what our life is about, it becomes the subject of it all." So what do I want? I wanted a job, esp. one I liked. SO I got the job at the Beat - and whatever is responsible for that, be it me or something/one else -- i thank you. I haven't taken a moment to say that yet. Arigato gozaimasu xi xi ni. mahalo. thank you.

I wanted a separation, which funny I dont want now, but the space will do me well -- so good. I want more focus on the things I feel are important in y life, like growing and being a better person. And not just better in a worldly sene anymore but also for myself. I want to find a good, clean, maintained apartment and I want lots of plants and gardening to occur there> parce que plants = peaceful micha.

and this, this one is big parce wue it is the one everyone else wants too and although it IS a real thing, it is often make believe or made into something fake. I want a relationship. Not just the companion thing, not the "one" thing. Not the other half that makes me whole or someone who will make me happy from my miserable tortured life -- parce que, I make me happy. I make me whole and complete and as far as all this goes I actually DON'T need someone else. But I do want something real. I want to meet someone else whose mind has that focus, whose happiness comes from themself and whose drive strives from their passion < by passion I mean what they love, what they have faith in and what they would fight for because they really have gone that distance with it and looked to see what exists there and defined it for themselves. I just want someone real. Someone like me I suppse. We're all looking for someone like us, it's too bad we can not be given life-like mirrors -- or maybe, if what quantum physics and the bleep film tells us it true after all, that's all anyone really is. Maybe if you see "God [in me mind evolution]'s plan" or the world from a higher angle, you get to see what is true and what is fallacy.
Perhaps the reason we live so much in reel is because its the closest thing we can get to seeing what is real?

I was thinking about COnfusican law and beng detailed so that it is clear, I will attempt this, however I cannot simply put a limit on myself because some things are better when they are raw.

I was reading some old journals a few moments ago and it occurred to me why being intelligent is SO vital as a part of who I am. I have been speculating on my need to be smart and wondering why -- if it was only ego or if something else could exist there to justify the intelligence. I think, besides the ego, my intelligence is required and exists to serve as a reminder to me when I become more human, or maybe just more man-made, that in this mind there is something urging me to be something more than that. A source, willing me to create myself - or as BRandon Boyd so cleverly wrote> make myself. Anyway, I wrote about a box and seeing it was there. Thus denying most of the true intelligence others think they see [me incld.] abd then I wrote about IMogen heap > and it reminded me why I love her music so much and what I see there. And I think it is really important to remember things like this, beceause it actually DOES help you to get the lesson in the moment where you sit maintenent.

In Confuscian law, one must always think carefully about what one might say, so there is no confusion and no blame. It is considered a duty to yourself and others. I kind of like that, so I might have to go over my profile and this blog to re-evaluate my words.